losing the plot
i have been very sad lately. there is nothing for me to look forward to and that is wearing me down. i won’t kill myself because of hamilton but the thought has occurred more frequently. i have felt like this for as long as i can remember, not always depressed but it’s there in my head waiting my life is monotonous since work is not really happening; i still enjoy going into my office. i will make phone calls there so i can feel important. i read things on the internet and walk my dog and maybe take a nap, i feel no real connection to anything besides my dog. i know that sounds bleak and it’s not true i think this is a valley in my pandemic mood even in a bad relationship there is someone there you aren’t alone i have my headphones on all day long it’s a comfort to me but i think it might be isolating me more. i am also not sure i care about that. i need to find a second job. i hate being broke at all times. i have to declare bankruptcy so i can stop worrying about paying back payday loans i am not certain my parents taught me anything that’s not a criticism but i think its a truth i have come to recently. they had serious problems i get it. i think about them when they were kids and i want to rescue them it makes me sad they were doing the best they could. i have come to the realization that i fucked around the majority of my life and i now have to reckon with what that means.